5 THINGS To Ask Yourself Before You Speak

WORDS...must be pretty important.

I mean think about it. God SPOKE things into existence. He said, "Let there be light," and there was light.



Now, He is God. He didn't need to speak the world into its shape using words.

Words can do amazing things.


Words misused can do amazingly awful things.

*   *   *

"Scientists cannot explain it," I remember an oncologist saying to me, a half-smirk on his face, shrugging. It was roughly five years ago, and my then-husband, Dan, had begun chemotherapy treatments.

The treatments immediately caused an inflammation around his lungs, their target. It was as if the cancer and the chemo were in some serious chemical warfare, leaving in their wake the evidence of battle.

Strangely, he lost his voice.

He had no ability to speak. Air was simply not moving past his vocal cords in typical fashion. Cords frozen, air that would normally form words was slipping past, leaving him with only barely audible gasps.

WHY...I asked...would a treatment for lung cancer cause a person to lose his voice?

Well, it seems the nerve that supplies the vocal cord travels an unusual road.

It could simply leave the brain, and truck right on down a highway to the vocal cord.

But, no. It doesn't.

It leaves the brain, travels past its destination, a meaningful and meandering road trip south, down and around the aorta, the main artery of the human body which originates from the left ventricle of the heart.

And, "Scientists cannot explain it." It's an "anomaly," a "mystery."

*   *   *

How extremely clever.   God is so...clever.   THIS...is a clever design.

So the words that leave your brain literally must run past your heart before ascending to the vocal cords to then escape your mouth.

Or, maybe, God was implying that they should.


FIVE THINGS we attempt (and often fail) to ask ourselves in our little family before we utter a word of advice or commentary:


1. Is it TRUE?

2. Is it HELPFUL?

3. Is it your place to say?

4. Is it really your place to SAY?

5. IS IT REALLY YOUR PLACE TO SAY???



So maybe it's really a three step process, but that last one is a doozy...and worth repeating.

Most often it's true, and would be helpful, IF it were my place to say. That's been my experience in a lifelong series of vocal mishaps.

Thanks so much for reading today!

Kelly

5 Things You Could Say to Someone Who is in Pain

I froze up on the air yesterday. If you know me, you know I typically do not lack words.

I felt pressured to address the tragedy in Sutherland Springs, Texas, but felt also that I had nothing to say that would properly address it, encourage anyone, or alleviate any pain.

      *     *     *

The facts are that a gunman took the lives of most of the congregation within a tiny church in Texas...26 people killed...17 months to 77 years old...a pastor's teenaged daughter among them, all apparently over a domestic dispute.

Those are the facts. And since those are the facts, what could anyone say to make this better, just one day out?

Probably nothing.

I've experienced some senseless loss in my own life, and there are a few things I know we should NOT say, because they were said to me by well-meaning friends.

Things like, "I know how you feel," or "let me tell you about my great uncle's best friend's Golden Retriever's cancer," or, the worst ever at the wrong time, "God has a PLAN in this, and He will bring good out of it."

I mean, that last statement is TRUE. But it's really not something to say to someone who is in the very middle of the depths of despair and loss. That can and will come later, but not now.

Here are FIVE THINGS you COULD say to someone who is some serious pain. I've gathered these from my own experiences and from those close to me who have suffered inexplicable loss.

1. This really sucks.      ...Or, this really is awful/heartbreaking/painful.

2. My heart breaks WITH yours.      ...Empathy from others is felt when it's real. Just sitting in the heartbreak with someone, right where they are, can take the edge off the pain.

3. You are NOT ALONE.      ...Then, don't leave them alone...just show up, be present...physically or in calls or even texts that say JUST that: "I am here. I am with you. I'm not leaving you alone in this."

4. You are doing GREAT.     ...If possible, be specific: "Look at you. You are standing. You showered today."

5. Nothing.      ...Sometimes saying ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is best.

5 THINGS: FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD DO IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOW

As I look around, I see so much struggle in marriages and relationships. I guess because there are humans involved, and we know how to mess things up pretty well.

Relationships are complicated. Marriage is work.

Love...is so, so, worth it.

When I think back on married life after three years of living single, it amazes me. I'm pretty sure we made nearly every relationship mistake possible. It's only by God's grace we were able to piece things back together, rebuild, even after a two year separation, and walk out the toughest thing we could ever face: a cancer diagnosis, a battle for time, and saying goodbye.

Oh sure, we faced all the problems you face each day too...raising kids, paying bills, leaky faucets.

I think we faced those things with less grace and courage than we did cancer and death.

WHY? Isn't that silly?

I guess it was necessity. We can easily argue over what's more important until something REALLY important, life altering, comes up.

But, oh, the perspective gained when a doctor says, "...terminal. You'll not survive this."

My prayer for you is that you choose to love one another well, and prioritize your marriage and relationships and people.

This has been among the most valuable lessons for me, and I believe for my kids, through loss: don't miss an opportunity to love, and to move past differences.

Here are FIVE THINGS you should consider doing in your relationship or marriage today:

1. FORGIVE. 

...AND forget. Then as a matter of forgetting, don't ever mention it again.

2. RESPECT your husband/significant other.

3. LOVE your wife/significant other.

In a relationship, men desire respect, women desire feeling loved. Read Emerson Eggerichs, Love & Respect. So simple, so true.

4. STAY funny.

A little humor goes a long way. I sometimes resort to sometimes really ridiculous humor, mostly to point out that if we can laugh about it, it may not really be worth arguing about. Be ridiculous.

5. STAY playful.

Remember how and why you fell in love, and revisit it. Often. Carve out time and have fun. Prioritize this ABOVE the kids if you have them. Just please trust me on that. Your kids will thank you later.

5 Things: GOOD Guy - GODLY Guy

ONE thing I know for sure about dating when you're all grown up...it's NOTHING like dating when you're eighteen or twenty.

We know stuff. We've lived stuff.

We've developed intuition.


We've watched far too many episodes of crime dramas.

All that stuff makes us wiser, discerning, and eliminates some potential for heartache.  And for being kidnapped and held for ransom in a remote cabin in Montana.

I've been dating now for a year and a half since losing a spouse to cancer three years ago. I could blog about the hilarious circumstances I've been in, the ironies, the lessons.

I will. I have learned SO much, so how could I not? I've made mistakes...and I've turned a blind eye at times to some glaring and critical differences. I've also made some amazing friends.

These FIVE THINGS are a short collection from a tattered piece of paper typically found on my fridge at home. It was given to me by a friend and coworker, Craig Norrenberns. I believe his Dad handed them down to him. I asked him to jot them down when my daughter was experiencing her first relationship six years ago. I'm thankful for the men in my life who are amazing role models to her, and to me.

I hope these help you, or that you can pass them along to a friend or even to your own daughter.

FIVE THINGS: Good Guy vs. GODLY Guy

1. A good guy will respect you.
   
    A GODLY guy will TREASURE you.


2. A good guy will go to church.

   A GODLY guy will live a life of worship.


3. A good guy will do his best.

    A GODLY guy will depend on GOD, because he understands he can't do it alone.


4. A good guy says he is a Christian.

    A GODLY guy LIVES like he is a Christian.


5. A good guy has thick skin.

    A GODLY guy has a SOFT HEART.

5 THINGS: FIVE CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS I WON'T GIVE UP

FIVE Christmasy THINGS to do in St. Louis:

1. Driving through  WAY OF LIGHTS, The Shrine in Belleville, Illinois. It's FREE.










2. Sliding down a run at HIDDEN VALLEY SKI, Wildwood, Missouri. It's...not free, but worth it, and you can tube if you are not a skier.

3. Saying hey to the animals at Wild Lights at the
ST. LOUIS ZOO, and making s'mores around
 a fire there while light gazing. $10/ticket









4. Falling down at STEINBERG SKATING RINK, Forest Park. $7/all day skate and rental














5. Attending a CHRISTMAS EVE service, followed by opening just ONE gift. 

5 Things You'll Probably Not Regret

I have had the privilege of being alongside some people very close to me as they transitioned to Heaven.

People who are about to die get VERY real.

All pretense is stripped. If they believe, they lean in close to God. We can learn SO much about living from the dying.

Twenty years ago, my mom faced an untimely end to her earthly life at the age of 63. She was a funny, strong woman who would have smiled at that, wondering aloud who, at the end of her life, says, "Wow! This is timely!"?

Two years ago, Dan, my husband of 23 years, went to Heaven after a four year cancer battle. We were able to spend his last few months together, uninterrupted, living pretty much in our bedroom, a tiny limited world of IVs, hospice nurses, and Grey's Anatomy on Netflix, but with opportunity for endless conversation.




Here are FIVE THINGS YOU'LL PROBABLY NOT REGRET, which I've collected by saying goodbye to some amazing souls--my mom, husband, dad, patients I cared for as a nursing student.


1. GOING FOR IT

"Wherever you go, there you are." This was from my mom. She was taking a quote from Thomas a Kempis (The Imitation of Christ) out of context, flipping it on its end, reinterpreting.

She meant, GO FOR IT.

Have a dream? Afraid? Why are you afraid? Wherever you go, you are still you, and you had the passion to dream it...so try it. DO NOT believe the lies in your head that tell you that you can't, or that you aren't.

TRY.  If you fail, you can try again.




2. DOING WHAT YOU LOVE

"Never stop drumming.  This was from Dan, in a letter to Jonathan.

Many hospice patients note at the end of their lives that they'd wished they'd been less afraid to be themselves. Less afraid to be, embrace, who God created them to uniquely be.

If you find something you love to do, you are probably really good at it. If you are really good at it, it's a GIFT that should not be squandered.

Find a way to do what you love.




3. JUST SAYING IT

My dad passed away just months after Dan. He was just beyond his second or third year of being only 89. Just before he passed away I learned he was a believer.

I asked if I could pray for him one night before I left a visit, knowing he probably had just days left on earth.

He said, in a super grumpy tone, "It's too late to pray!"

I told him it's never to late to pray.

In a still-irritated voice he said, "NO. I mean I'm tired! It's late. I want to sleep."

I asked him if he understood what Christ did for him on the cross, and in simple words he said yes, and explained the Gospel beautifully. I wish he'd told me before. We could have had some great conversations.

Many patients at the end of life express regret over not expressing their feelings. My dad also mumbled "I love you" a couple times in his final days. This is not something my WWII-Gen Dad said often.

Just say it.




4. EMBRACING DIFFICULTY

"It's stuff for life." This was the daily from a man everyone called, "Red." He was my patient at a nursing home where I learned nursing was not my gift.

He had a thick shock of white hair, was bound to a wheelchair he always wanted positioned near a window, and I am thinking he was a redhead in younger years because he still had that wild look in his eyes. And because everyone called him "Red."

Trials? They are stuff for life. Dan told me he would NOT have traded his battle with cancer for a long life. It brought him the closest he'd ever been to God, and that was a really good place to be.

Embrace trials. Let them shape you.

 

5. WORKING LESS, PEOPLING MORE

Most of us allow our careers to become a huge part of our identities. Dan realized in his last six months that while working hard was valuable, he often missed the people. I saw him grow in love, interest and appreciation for his family, his friends, coworkers, in a way I'd never seen before.

Love people.




6. LAUGHING MORE

Dan was the most fearlessly funny Dan he'd ever been during his last few months of life. He had learned to laugh at himself, and find humor in situations he couldn't control.

By November, 2014, he was tired. He hadn't left his bed in well over a month.

Our worship leader, Daniel, would often come by after church to play the weekend's songs for him. We'd sing, pray...and laugh

"Dan," Daniel began, one late November Sunday, "can I play a few worship songs for you?"

He'd asked this each Sunday for at least a month.

"NOOOOOOO," Dan replied. "I'll pass." [very serious look, rolls eyes, shakes head]

Lonnnnng...awkward...pause.

Then he laughed.

"Of course. I was just teasing." He had learned to laugh, even in the most difficult times.

Laugh.

 

5 Things About Cancer

Here are FIVE THINGS I know right now about cancer.


It sucks.

It sucks.

It sucks.

It ... sucks...

And finally...well, you get it.



Please do not send a, "Gosh...are you angry?" email. I am angry right now. In my world, if it makes God angry, it's OK to be angry about it.

God did not intend for my husband to work hard to put his family back together and grow further into a man of God only to be diagnosed with cancer. God does not intend for anyone to suffer. That was not part of the plan.

And He has rescued us so many times during this process, that I can't deny His presence and care over our family. I am thankful for that, and for family, friends, teachers...even people we barely know...who have allowed Him to work through them to show His love.

We are so thankful for your care, and your prayers.

Siteman Cancer Center asked me to put on paper Dan's story, so I did. The idea is to point to the fact that cancer does not discriminate (neither does suffering in this world...it's universal...) but ultimately to point to hope. Which we still have.

DAN FRIEDMAN, ST. LOUIS MO, 45 years old, husband and father of three…

Dan Friedman was 43 in late 2010 when he began to feel a little short of breath while exercising. It was fall, and he enjoyed working out often, at the gym four or five days a week. But the crisper weather had him running outdoors. He was enjoying life, enjoying being a husband, and a father of three.

Since Dan appeared so healthy, and is a non-smoker, doctors assumed he had a case of exercise-induced asthma.  It was early 2011 when more tests were ordered. Eventually a CT scan showed some abnormalities in his lungs, and most alarming, a large amount of fluid around his heart and lungs.

Dan was told to go to the hospital. And by the end of the week, the first week of May 2011, it seemed the diagnosis was more clear: a surgeon said he believed it was probably lung cancer, and if it was cancer, it was bad. A biopsy was scheduled and within a few days confirmed that it was Non-Small Cell Stage Four Adenocarcinoma of the lungs. Dan, a non smoker who appeared healthy and lived a healthy lifestyle, had cancer in both lungs, all throughout, and surrounding the lungs and heart.  A PET scan later revealed he also had some small spots on his brain.

Meeting with Dr. Ramaswamy Govindan at Siteman Cancer Center, St. Louis, put Dan and his family’s minds at ease. Despite a frightening diagnosis, they offered hope in some newer treatments for late stage lung cancer.

As Dan’s family and friends prayed, his cancer cells were being studied more closely. A gene study of his cells showed that he had the EGFR mutation. This very specific mutation was the answer to some very specific prayers. A drug called Tarceva had recently been approved as a treatment for lung cancer patients with this mutation, and this meant Dan’s treatment would be simpler than traditional chemotherapy, and most likely more effective, since the drug targets a mutation within the cancer cell more accurately.

Dan’s cancer receded by more than 90 percent by just 5 or so weeks after he began treatment with Tarceva. Dan and his family, his wife, children, are so grateful for this reversal and the health and happy times it has brought. Dan’s treatment has included a pill a day, so he and his family were able to serve on a mission trip to Ecuador, take vacations, visit their son in the Air Force, and live life easily even with a stage four lung cancer diagnosis. They are so thankful doctors at Siteman knew to do this test, to see if Dan had this mutation. And so thankful for that answered prayer that he did.

Dan’s treatment now includes chemotherapy in addition to Tarceva. His cancer was showing some regeneration, which was expected. But a new biopsy was ordered, and a new gene study is being conducted to look for additional clues as to how his cancer has changed. So, additional prayers are being said, and he and his family are hopeful. And thankful….for amazing doctors and staff, researchers, caring friends and family, and a God who is bigger than cancer.